Alright, everyone. I have sat through Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Forever. Now, it’s time for me to review the epitome of bad superhero films: Batman & Robin. It’s a horrifying example of how not to do a movie, so without further ado, here’s my review.
Man, it is hard to talk about this film without laughing. Yes, it is that bad. Everything in this movie is a massive failure, from the sets to the script. You know what, let’s talk about the script. It is so poorly done, such an atrocity, that it’s so hard to take the film seriously. Sometimes I wonder what the heck Joel Schumacher was thinking when he directed this film. The movie opens with the titular characters suiting up, but the shots zoom in on their butts. I’m not even joking.
It just gets worse from there with the introduction of Mr. Freeze (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), a character that is supposed to look and act like a total badass, but ends up being a pun-spewing mess of a villain. He says some corny ice joke every few seconds in this scene, and it gets so annoying. Here’s a fun one. “What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!” I mean, that’s not even accurate. Then we’re introduced to Poison Ivy (played by Uma Thurman), and she is probably the best part of the movie. At least she posed a real threat to Batman and Robin. Bane is thrown into the film too, and I’m not even sure why. He’s not methodical and smart, like in the comics. He just follows around Ivy and does whatever she asks. And then there’s Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. You’d think that Schumacher would at keep her as Barbara Gordon like the comics, right? Wrong. In the film, she’s Barbara Wilson, niece of the butler Alfred. If Silverstone was a good actress in the movie, I’d be fine with it, but she plays her character so horribly. Plus, she’s supposed to be a main character, a major part in the movie. But she barely gets any screen time. And Schumacher didn’t just use that “butt shot” on Batman and Robin. He used it on Batgirl, too. And I think that’s sexist, to be honest.
Another thing I hated about this film is that Robin is a whiny little brat most of the time. I just hated how he didn’t take his mentor’s words into consideration most of the time, being very impulsive yet again. He’s always saying stuff like “It’s Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I’m sick of it!” He’s the Anakin Skywalker of the movie.
Now let’s talk about the villains’ big plan. Freeze and Ivy decide to join forces, and their evil scheme doesn’t even make sense. They plan to build a giant freeze ray, wipe out civilization, and allow Ivy’s mutant plants to take over the world. Let me explain why that’s stupid: plants can’t grow without heat, geniuses! If the whole world is frozen over, how will the plants grow? That’s some pretty dumb thinking, considering the pair were both scientists before becoming supervillains.
The villains’ costumes are the one of the only redeemable parts of this film. Mr. Freeze’s suit doesn’t look bad, Poison Ivy’s hair and costumes are both well done, and I prefer Bane’s Luchadore mask over the thing Tom Hardy wore in The Dark Knight Rises. The heroes’ costumes are the exact opposite. There’s freakin’ nipples on them! Even Batgirl’s suit has them!
This movie is a joke. A horrible, sexist, piece of crap joke. The story is bad, the villains are bad, the script is bad, the actors are bad, everything is bad! Batman & Robin definitely gets an F.
Batman & Robin stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O’ Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Robert Swenson, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle. Directed by Joel Schumacher.
